preface
"The struggling mind will often build places to seek shelter for different aspects of the self from our most traumatic memories."
- Dr. Harrow, Moon Knight
My almost-legally mandated reminder here: this is not and never will be medical advice or a diagnostic tool. Please do your proper research or, even better, speak to a psychiatric professional if you have access to one if you think you may have a dissociative disorder of any kind. I am a stranger on the Internet, and while you are welcome to ask me questions, I am absolutely not qualified to assess you or your symptoms, nor will I!
Additionally, please be cautious when researching your symptoms online. You probably know by now that things are often very different online than they are in the real world, especially with the rapid advancements of both search engine and social media algorithms. Additionally, it's very easy to spiral, question yourself, go into denial, or worse, misunderstand your symptoms and try treatment that makes it worse. Humans are not self-aware creatues and we are subject to several, several different kinds of internal biases, one of the biggest ones being the belief that we're too self-aware to have biases!
Proper research takes months, if not years, of closely examining both academic literature and the lived experiences of people diagnosed with the disorder. This is not a process to be rushed. You must accept that you will be wrong, and you will be wrong often, and you will have to move on. This is not a process to beat yourself up about either. Understanding psychology--any kind of psychology--takes years of certificates and degrees and grad school and even then, you will only ever truly know your lived experiences. Your interpretation of the words written on the page, your perception of the people you study, and your observations of the world around you. So please, be kind to yourself.
diagnosis
"...and the universe said I love you because you are love."
- Minecraft
One often-cited statistic says that getting diagnosed with DID takes about seven years of therapy and misdiagnosis. From my own experience, it took me four years, not including the years of denial before that, and I picked up more than my fair share of misdiagnoses along the way. Back then, I often wanted to quit therapy, and most of the time I wasn't wanting to quit was because I already had. This is not to discourage you in any way. This is to let you know that seeking answers or diagnosis (especially for a dissociative disorder) takes years, but it will be done with time.
Realizing I had DID was probably one of the worst moments of my life. It meant that something had happened to me as a child that my brain physically could not cope with and, as a result, it shattered into endless shards of glass. A piece of myself lost in every glint of light that reflects off of them. They couldn't be put back together by the most loving hands in the world if they tried. My childhood, my memory, and my personhood have all quietly disappeared. It's a sick joke that with this disorder I am never alone, and yet this is the most isolating experience of my life. This is not a fate I would wish upon anyone.
In this moment, through this screen, through the 1's and 0's that seperate us, through the atoms of electricity that connect us here, if only for a second. You are here. You are seen. You are loved. Do you understand? It is important that you do.
You are here. You are seen. You are loved.
If dissociative symptoms or mental health in general are things you struggle with, please reach out to a mental health professional. It may take a while, and it may not even be the first professional you meet, but I promise that they can help you. I promise you that you are not alone. Please do your own careful research, reach out to a professional if you can, talk to close friends if you can't, and feel free to reach out to me if you ever need to.
diagnostic tools
terminology
(Please remember that this is how I personally choose to define words in regards to my system!)
Plural Terms
System: A person who has two or more distinct personalities or alters.
Alters: The term I use to refer to my personalities.
Sub-System: A group of alters that are physically or emotionally close.
Front(ing): Conscious; the alter controlling the body.
Co-Fronting: Two or more alters fronting together.
Split(ting): A new alter being formed due to the brain being incapable to cope with current stress.
Inner World: What a system sees internally. A space for alters that aren't conscious.
Trigger(s): Things that bring an alter to the front.
Dormancy: When an alter stops fronting for a long time. (Months to years)
Integration: The lowering of amnesiac barriers between alters.
Fusion: Two alters becoming one.
Types of Alters
Introject: An alter based off of an outside person.
Brain-Made: An alter not based off an outside person.
Fictive: An introject based off of a fictional character.
Factive: An introject based off of a real person. Typically either abusers or friends.
Alter Roles
Host: The alter that fronts the most in a system.
Protector: An alter that protects the system from more abuse.
Gatekeeper: An alter that keeps memories seperate, controls who fronts, or who has access to what parts of the inner world.
Persecutor: An alter that sabotages the system it is in.
Symptom Holder: An alter that has many of the symptoms of a disorder to keep other alters from experiencing it.
Memory Holder: An alter that holds memories so the others don't have to experience it. Usually traumatic.
Fragment: An alter that is not fully developed.
